Monday, December 10, 2007

My spin on "Waterboarding"--a Rant

So, I began thinking about the interrogation technique known as waterboarding. Some people are for the legalization of it. I'm not sure I support that.

I'm not an ascriber to the belief that it "will make us no better than the terrorists", or any such nonsense. There are plenty of things that waterboarding or no, makes us better. In fact, saying that the harsh treatment of a murderer or two to save thousands or millions, frankly, cheapens us. You can't even begin to compare the two. Its like comparing Sean Connery's role in Highlander to Heath Ledger's role in Brokeback Mountain. Incomparable.

Of course, if you are the type of uh... metrosexual that thinks that Brokeback Mountain is a better movie than Highlander, you may wish to just stop reading right now.

No, the reason that I don't want waterboarding legalized is that I liked it better when the CIA did it without permission.

Yes, I did just say that. Think about it: It gets around that its actually illegal to waterboard suspects. You are a terrorist pig, having just commited some horrible atrocity, like blowing up a brewery or some such, and a CIA kidnapping team has extracted you to a remote location to do a little information extraction.

There you are, knowing that the American Dogs can't do anything really bad to you, and you tell your captors, knowing full well you will be treated humanely: "Do your worst American Scum! What will you do? Give me a Koran and put me in 4 star accomodations in Gitmo?"

Imagine your surprise as soon as you find out the hard way they are still waterboarding people. I bet you'll tell them everything you know. I bet you would even make stuff up if you thought it would make them happy.

In a round about way, this goes back to what I have said before: if my tax dollars are going to a government entity who's job it is to protect national security through covert and clandestine means, it better be the most covert and clandestine agency of its kind in the world. And because its the American one, it had best be the most bad-ass covert and clandestine intelligence agency in the history of makind.

I shouldn't ever hear of ANY CIA operatives. They should all have cover stories, right down the the guy checking ID's at the parking lot. He should go home at night and tell his wife he had a boring day scrawling tramp stamps at the tattoo parlor, or something. I should never have heard of Valerie Plame.

That brings me to my next point, I think the most bad-ass intelligence agency in the world should be able to handle a few leaks. It is incomprehensible to me that we can spy on other countries, but we can't even keep our own business private. Take a page from the Russians, CIA, to learn how to deal with people who spill the beans.

As an example, imagine what would have happened to Valerie in Russia--you know, if she wasn't poisoned in a sushi shop with a rare radionuclide. It probably would have involved a car ride out into the woods and a short walk.

Yes, I'm all for the banning of waterboading, but keep in mind how well our intelligence agencies are run before you want the government to handle your healthcare, too.

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